Well the good thing is that no
one reads my blog. So, I can say what I want and not have to answer to
anyone. Well my life has not improved since October, it has gotten worse,
and I feel depression creeping in. I do understand a few things
though. I understand why some people gave up looking for a job. It
is depressing alone. I lost my job in December through no fault of my
own, and you would think that I had contracted the plague. The sad part
was that it was a shitty job to begin with, but I did what I always do, I kept
my head up, put forth my best effort. My reward was that I was laid off,
and then through a technicality screwed by my company, so I could not receive
unemployment, for almost two months, while looking for employment.
Considering, I was trying to catch up with my bills from losing my job earlier,
that year, I just got further and further behind. When I do go to
interviews employers want to know why I changed jobs so much in one year.
The fact that I did my best at all my positions does not matter. The fact
that I had references at all of those positions does not seem to matter
either. My health failing hurts my feelings as well. My lung is not
going to get any better and that scares me. Sometimes I am breathing hard
and someone will notice it, but I don't, because I am used to functioning with
one good lung. My biggest fear, is to walk around with an oxygen
tank. I don't care if they have those cute backpacks, I don't want
one. I had enough of the tanks when I was at Johns Hopkins. I
got tired of having tubes up my nose. I don't want to end my life
that way. Sometimes my knee is fine, sometimes it isn't, sometimes my
joints swell, and I have had a hard time working on my weight. The most
painful thing is when my mother refers to me as crippled.
I hate that word, I always have. I never used it towards others,
and now it is used to describe me. After 13 years,
everything has just blown up. I try to put on a brave face, and my mind
knows that things and situations can change, but, I want to cry, or just not be
around. But, I have no where to go but back home, which is back to Detroit
