Being a Trouper...

A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my mother and we were discussing some issues and she stated “You know Cara; you have always been a trouper.”  I know it was a compliment, but you know what sometimes being a trouper sucks.  It sucks monkey butt.  Some characteristics all seem to go together, you are a trouper, you are strong and/or you are a dependable.  All of these are good qualities, but no one is perfect, and sometimes people who are like that show weakness, need support or make mistakes.  If you have the reputation as a trouper and you falter, everyone is disappointed, because that is not you.  But the problem is everyone falters or has a moment of weakness at some time of their life, even the dependable ones.  Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on, or someone to cheer them up, however when you are the strong person, people that you expect to be around to help you aren't available.  The best way to describe it was when my grandmother passed.  My mother kind of just checked out from reality.  Someone had to be responsible, and keep it together.  And, I did.  But, I really wanted a shoulder to cry on as well.  No one was there.  It was a very lonely position.  Strong people need support too, because being the one who is always supportive needs support as well.   

Why I Started Writing Again

The past couple of years in my life have been crazy.  There has been a serious upheaval in my life.  These changes have caused me to question things and they have also caused old issues and discussions to resurface.  As a writer you sometimes question yourself, at least I do.  I wonder if I really have anything worth saying.  And, if I do, I wonder if anyone is listening or cares.  So, most of my writing is limited on statuses or opinions on Facebook, which isn't really writing.  Well, I got my answer, not the way I wanted it, but I got it. 

Last week, my mother and I got into an argument, well really she yelled at me and I listened.  Here is how it started....

A few months ago, I wrote a Facebook comment about Congressman’s Keith Ellison’s book. In the book, he discussed the power of cliques in Detroit, and that to fulfill his potential; he had to leave Detroit, because certain opportunities were limited, because he did not belong to the right cliques.  I stated that I had experienced the same thing and had decided to move as well.  Well, my mother read that comment and even though a few months had passed, the comment stuck with her.  She told me that she was infuriated that I wrote it.  Through her eyes, making that comment meant that they (cliques) had won, and I had publicly admitted defeat.  However, in my eyes, they lost, because I took my skills and talent with me.  They missed out.   But anyway, she stated how it irritated her; just like that essay I wrote my freshman year in college her had irritated her.  Yes, she mentioned an essay that I wrote that essay almost 30 years ago.  I remember it, because I was proud of it.  It was the first “A” that I got in my English class.  The assignment was to write a comedic essay, and I wrote about adjusting to attending a coed university after attending an all girls’ school.   And then she yelled all of my self doubts out loud, “Why do you have to write?   Why don’t you just keep your thoughts to yourself?   Why do you think someone cares about what you have to say?  Who are you?” 

You would think that would have discouraged me, but as she was saying it, it was like I left myself and I was looking at the discussion as an outsider.  What I realized was that if it didn't matter, she wouldn't care and she wouldn't remember.  Expression of thought doesn't always please everyone.  Sometimes it isn't meant to please.  Usually, a person who writes just wants to make a connection with themselves and/or other people.  That connection can create understanding, be thought inspiring, invoke empathy or even anger, but it is about making a connection.   And, I made a connection, not the one I wanted, but a connection nonetheless.

The Great River of ... Denial

My former manager is very upset about the whole Ray Rice situation.   He posted his opinion on Facebook.  Like many, he blames the media and feels that the Media and the NFL were unfair.  He feels that Rice should not have to pay this much for one mistake.  I didn't understand is my boss assumed that this was the first incident.  So, I responded to his post.   I mentioned that this was probably the first incident we (the public) knew about.  Also, I mentioned that abusers usually show signs earlier signs of who they are, and the abuse usually starts with smaller incidents.  Maybe the first time was a slap, or a shake, or maybe it was verbal and then the abuse graduates to something more.  I don’t know if that is what happened, but I don’t know if that isn't what happened.  The other disturbing part of the tape was the fact that he touched her with his foot to see if she was dead.  First, if you hit someone for the very first time out of anger and you knocked them unconscious, you would be shocked and maybe worried.  You wouldn't touch her with your foot to see if she was dead and then drag her out of the elevator like she was a piece a meat.  I don’t care how loving they appear to be in public in the past or in the future, his immediate treatment to her in after she became unconscious was inhumane.  I also stated that he needs help and she needs help as well.  Well, I felt the wrath of his anger in my response.  In his reply, he mentioned that he was upset that I called Rice and abuser.  He replied, “ You are not abuser just because you make one mistake!!”  My response was, “You are.” and I stated that maybe because you have not been apart of or witnessed an abusive relationship, you don’t understand the signs.   He did not respond back to me on his post, instead he texted me on FB and said that he had witnessed domestic violence, but he would never post that publicly on Facebook.  And, there it is… Domestic violence is always the dirty little secret that everyone wants to keep a secret.   And people always want to give others the benefit of the doubt, no matter what they see.  I wanted to yell at him and say, “Do you know why it is a secret?!!  Because, it is embarrassing if you are the victim, the public perceives you as weak and/or stupid!!  And, you may perceive yourself the same way!!!  If you are an abuser, you are some evil Cro-Magnon type person who is only able to express his/her frustration or anger through abuse!!  Therefore, both parties are ashamed.  It is a Lose-Lose situation. And usually both parties do whatever they can to hide it.” But, I didn't, I just said that most people want to keep things like that quiet.  He agreed and said that he believes that it was just a one time event that occurred because they were drinking.  And, if they hadn't been intoxicated, it would not have ever happened.   The denial river is very vast, isn't it.