The Great River of ... Denial

My former manager is very upset about the whole Ray Rice situation.   He posted his opinion on Facebook.  Like many, he blames the media and feels that the Media and the NFL were unfair.  He feels that Rice should not have to pay this much for one mistake.  I didn't understand is my boss assumed that this was the first incident.  So, I responded to his post.   I mentioned that this was probably the first incident we (the public) knew about.  Also, I mentioned that abusers usually show signs earlier signs of who they are, and the abuse usually starts with smaller incidents.  Maybe the first time was a slap, or a shake, or maybe it was verbal and then the abuse graduates to something more.  I don’t know if that is what happened, but I don’t know if that isn't what happened.  The other disturbing part of the tape was the fact that he touched her with his foot to see if she was dead.  First, if you hit someone for the very first time out of anger and you knocked them unconscious, you would be shocked and maybe worried.  You wouldn't touch her with your foot to see if she was dead and then drag her out of the elevator like she was a piece a meat.  I don’t care how loving they appear to be in public in the past or in the future, his immediate treatment to her in after she became unconscious was inhumane.  I also stated that he needs help and she needs help as well.  Well, I felt the wrath of his anger in my response.  In his reply, he mentioned that he was upset that I called Rice and abuser.  He replied, “ You are not abuser just because you make one mistake!!”  My response was, “You are.” and I stated that maybe because you have not been apart of or witnessed an abusive relationship, you don’t understand the signs.   He did not respond back to me on his post, instead he texted me on FB and said that he had witnessed domestic violence, but he would never post that publicly on Facebook.  And, there it is… Domestic violence is always the dirty little secret that everyone wants to keep a secret.   And people always want to give others the benefit of the doubt, no matter what they see.  I wanted to yell at him and say, “Do you know why it is a secret?!!  Because, it is embarrassing if you are the victim, the public perceives you as weak and/or stupid!!  And, you may perceive yourself the same way!!!  If you are an abuser, you are some evil Cro-Magnon type person who is only able to express his/her frustration or anger through abuse!!  Therefore, both parties are ashamed.  It is a Lose-Lose situation. And usually both parties do whatever they can to hide it.” But, I didn't, I just said that most people want to keep things like that quiet.  He agreed and said that he believes that it was just a one time event that occurred because they were drinking.  And, if they hadn't been intoxicated, it would not have ever happened.   The denial river is very vast, isn't it.