It is all about Priorities

Me and Mom

So, at the beginning of December, I was talking to my mother and she was telling that she was not feeling well.  She described her symptoms and I suggested that she go see a doctor.  She told me that she had already scheduled an appointment and the doctor was going scrape some cells and send them out for testing.  I said OK and then I went to bed.  I woke up in the middle of the night and I realized that my mother just told me that she was taking a biopsy.  Could my mother have cancer?  No, that couldn't happen.  I have been through a lot this year; I could not now face the idea that my mother may have Uterine Cancer. That would just be too much.  Then, I thought, this isn't about me, or what I could bear.  This was about my mother.  But, still, all I could think about was me.  That morning, I got up and I started thinking about what my resignation letter was going to look like, when I emailed it.  My logical side kicked in and it told me that my mother was not well and whether she had cancer or not, something was wrong and she didn't need to be by herself.  However, for the rest of the day, all I could think about was what I would do if she had cancer.  I never completely recovered from my bout with cancer.  The chemotherapy drugs had long term affects that I am still trying to recover from.  I have trouble taking care of myself, how I will take care of my mother?  My finances are in a complete shambles and I am in a different state at a dead end job.  What if I lose my mother?  What am I going to do?  I can’t lose my mother too.  I think that would be too much to bear.  Even though they say that God doesn't give us any more than we can handle.  I was terrified.  Must I be that strong?  Could I be strong for her and for me if I had to?  I don’t think that I could. 

My Grandmother - Sweetiepie

A few days before my grandmother passed, my mother got an eerie feeling while she was driving, and she said out loud, “God, you aren't about to take my mother away from me, are you?”  And immediately after she said that she ran into our garage door.  I actually thought about that when I went to get my mail that afternoon.  Am I going to get into an accident, while driving to the Post Office?  Am I going to find out my mother is ill or worse?  I sat in my car and cried.  I was scared to start the car.  I cried for three reasons, the first was being scared that I might lose my mother.  I cried because I was confused.  The third reason was for being more like my mother than I thought I was, she hadn't even taken the test or been diagnosed with cancer, and I was almost petrified.  The tests were not even going to occur until the middle of December.  If I was crying on the 2^nd, how was I going to make it to the 20^th?  My mother has been always able to turn worrying to an art form.  In the end, am I turning into my mother?

Home

After, I cried, I took a deep breath, all of my other personal issues fell to wayside.  I went to my room and drafted my resignation which I sent it the following evening.  My company was not happy with me, even though I told them why I was resigning.  In fact, they were not speaking to me.  My reaction had been, that’s too bad, screw them.  I decided that the most important thing that I could do was to be with my mother, no matter what the outcome was, after all, that was what families were for and my mother needed me.  And, I needed her.  I decided that I had to go home.

#worry

#cancer
#cancersucks