One Good Thing

During this Holiday weekend, I am reflecting about my life.  And, although I have been having a lot of financial issue, there are some things that I have to admit, that I hadn't.  First, I thought that living in my apartment, and climbing those 3 flights of stairs everyday would help my health.  If not immediately, eventually it would.  I believe that I was wrong.  I had hurt my knee and I think that I was re-injuring it, each time I climbed the stairs.  Since I moved to Albany, I don’t fall down as much.  Also, I don’t get dizzy as often when I walk.  Over the years, since I had cancer, I fall from time to time, especially when I would get tired, I would fall.  My legs would literally just give way.  Also, sometimes I would stand up too soon, become dizzy, and my body would just give out.  For the last couple of years, I was able to hide it, because it would only happen at home.  The hard part was the last few times that it had happened I had a hard time getting up.  Usually, I would start crying, because who wants to be a woman in her 40’s who loses her balance.  Also, I didn't want to be having to call an ambulance because I had fallen and had possibly broken something.  The sad part is that I fell at my job twice, once in 2012.  The first time people were there, and I fell out of my office chair and hit the ground.  I was so embarrassed.  I wanted to crawl under the desk and cry.  Of course, I didn't, but I could tell people were wondering what was wrong with me.  I said that I made a misstep.  But, that was not true.  Someone, escorted me to my car that afternoon, and I got some much needed rest.   I had been working 50 and 60 hour weeks, and I just could not do that like I had in the past.  The second time happened around the August when the air condition was broken in my apartment, and I was having trouble getting it fixed.  I came into work on a Saturday and I fell again.  This time I did cry, because I was by myself, and I had fallen again.  I felt weak and I was afraid that I would not be able to get up.  I was always afraid of being found in that position.  I still don’t know what was happening, but I have noticed that since I moved, I have not fallen.  Hopefully, this is a trend, and that part of my life is over for a long time. 

Reunions???

Reunions are supposed to be exciting times.  People all over look forward to seeing and/reconnecting with old friends.  My high school reunion is coming up, and I was kind of happy about it.  I have not been fortunate to make my reunions, but when I see the notification in the mail, I always start planning and dreaming.  I was very idealistic growing up.  I had great hopes about my generation and where I would be right now.  Some changes did occur, and some didn't.  I am not even close to where I want to be, which troubles me, and my generation is not where I thought that it would be either.  I shouldn't be surprised, and I guess that I am not.  I am just disappointed.

When our current President was running for his first term, I was very skeptical.  I was skeptical about President Obama winning and I believed that his winning would result in a racist backlash.  I didn't have the opinion that a lot of men and women did, that the country would change.  I thought that there was a lot of forward thinking people, however, I didn't believe that people who had a backwards mindset would just go away or eventually die off.  Recent events have opened up a lot of old wounds that were already infected and brought them back up to the surface.  When Michael Brown was shot, I was talking to a relative, and I stated that I questioned the credibility and the attitudes of the Ferguson Police Department.   I wondered how the leadership could not be cognizant of the issues between African Americans and the Police department when there were only 3 police officers.  The relative thought that I was saying that I could not believe that this sort of thing would happen in the US and that I was surprised that African Americans men were treated brutally by law enforcement in the US.  When I asked why they thought that, I was told well you were always friendly with them growing up, and I thought that you were too idealistic, and were more sympathetic to the White cause.  Now this statement did surprise me.  My relative next told me,”...you always thought that I was racist, too, and I am not.  You know those people are huggers, and when some of them have approached me, I have hugged them. “   I made a smart remark, which I shouldn't have.  The smart remark caused more of an argument than if I had said the truth.   The truth was that I was disappointed.  My relative was from a past generation and had experience life before and after the Civil Rights Movement.  And they had witnessed various changes, yet in the end, it was still us and them.  I had nothing to say, because right now I am in a questionable situation financially.  I lost my job last year, and I pretty much lost everything.  Although I am working, I am pretty much starting over and one thing that I have relearned about being poor.  If you are in need and the person helping you isn't, they don’t mind showing you their ugly side.   And, who are you to say anything, you don’t have anything, you are in no position to be on the morally “right” side.  You are in no position to say, ”hey, do you hear yourself talking?”

I grew up in a mostly African American community.  It was transitioning, also known as "White Flight," African Americans were moving in and other nationalities were moving out.  However, when I was young, it was awesome, because there were all types of people and if you were a cute little, almost everyone was friendly.  Our neighborhood was African American/Chinese /Jewish/Hungarian and Italian.  Ok, we only had one Hungarian doctor, but he always had a big bowl of M&Ms on his coffee table.  So, he counts, a lot.  And, my grade school and high school were integrated.  So, I was friendly with whoever was friendly with me, and because I was around other cultures at home, I was not hesitant about being around other cultures at school.  I just looked at the situation as a greater potential for friends.  My mom used to say that things would be different when I grew up.  That I would live and work in the Black community and that my White friends would live and work in their communities, and that these attitudes that we have now as kids would change, so it would be better for me if I got used to it now.  I listened, but I also thought that my generation was going to be different.  It was going to be better; it was not going to accept behaviors and attitudes that were wrong.  But, today, I was reading a Facebook post about a church that was losing in Detroit, and they are probably going to destroy the building.  At least that was what my classmate hoped, because the community is mostly Islamic, and she would hate it if “they” used that building and converted it into a Mosque.  She would rather have the building destroyed.  This is not the first evidence of racism from others in my class or even from this person, but it made me sad.  My heart sank.  What was the famous quote, which Martin Luther King Jr. said?   "..it is appalling that the most segregated hour of Christian America is eleven o'clock on Sunday morning."  It is still true, maybe not in many churches or Mosques, but the infection is there in the old wounds of newer generations.   And, it will probably be passed on to their children.

Not knowing your Worth

"Not knowing your worth" was part of a quote from the movie The Joy Luck Club.  It is funny how people don't  always realize that some ideas or beliefs transcend a culture or race.  I used this title because not this is the stem of a lot of issues that are going on this country right now.  As the Michael Brown protests continue, people are are also supporting the police officer and Conservative shows are asking the question,  about Black on Black crime.  Why isn't anyone protesting about that.  What they fail to see is that protesting cop violence and racist treatment against black men and black on black are related.  They always have been.  Law enforcement has mirrored society, and American society has placed a lesser value on African Americans than.  And that value did not only stay in American society but it permeated the African American society as well.  And, that is how they are related if you continually teach a group that they have less value and they deserve less respect, they begin to believe it and they begin to treat themselves the same way.  This reality is nothing new, it has been stated in movies like The Color Purple, Roots, Hotel Rwanda, DJango, in music, and every type of art that you can think of and in almost any race or culture that you could name.  Yet whenever people start marching about law enforcement abuse, the argument is well what about Black on Black crime, as if they are separate.  Really it is like saying that we (African Americans) are different than everyone else.  But we aren't.  This rule applies to all.  If you don't know your worth and you don't value yourself, you are not going to value others that are like you.  It really is that simple.  Well, at least stating it is, but knowing it and living it can be a challenge every day.

What do you say a Parent? How do you get through the stress?

I had a lot of different thoughts about the Michael Brown story.  It is funny about what catches people’s eye and what doesn't. The sad part is that a lot of young black men have been killed by officers, or in Trayvon Martin’s case “authority figure” and their murderers were found not guilty, and the only people that took notice of what happened was the local family or the local community.   Today’s protesting of Michael Brown’s death was peaceful in Ferguson, and members of the local and international community took a sigh of relief.  I didn't agree with the violence that occurred, but, you have to wonder how much racism and pain can a community take?  

As a black woman, I have experienced racism, from police officers.  But, to truly understand what goes on when it comes to the type of racism that that occurs between young black men and the police, you have to be a black man or witness it.  When, I experienced racism from law enforcement, I usually left the scene feeling irritated and/or angry.   I understood that I was not treated fairly.  However, I had I experienced racism with law enforcement when I was with a guy I was seeing, I experienced additional feelings.  The first time, we were stopped by the police while we were on a date.   We were going to listen to a local coffee shop to hear some live music and get something to eat.  My date had not broken any laws, he was just stopped, and when he told the officer what we doing where we were going, the officer seemed to go out of his way to humiliate my date.  It was like that the officer was saying I am going to emasculate you in front of your date, and there is nothing you can do, but sit here and take it, because I am the authority and I am in control of this situation. And, that is how the date ended.  We went back home.   I felt embarrassed for my date, but there was nothing that I could say.  This is something that I had dealt with all of his life.  He was thankful, that it wasn't worse. 

 The second time was worse, we were in Maryland, and I was driving and I parked in front of a lake that I used to go to, while we ate McDonald’s, however, I didn't realize that the permission to park in that area was seasonal.  The police pulled up, but, I didn't get a ticket, he didn't even focus on me, he went over to the passenger side and he harassed my date, who wasn't even from Maryland, he was visiting from out of state.   When I asked the officer why was he talking to my date, when I am the one who made the error, and he was not even from the area, he told me to shut up.  I still remember hearing the officer asking where was he from and hearing him say “Ooh wee, you are from Detroit, what are you doing so far away from home?”  This time as a witness the whole experience left me shaken to the core.  Once again, I felt embarrassed for him, but this time, I felt fear.  I didn't feel like an American citizen, I felt like I had no rights and my life and the life of my date were at the mercy of this officer.   A few days later, I felt outraged and we got a lawyer, but the fear had to leave first.  Parents of young Black men, have to instruct their children how to behave in front of law enforcement, however, even if they behave in the “correct” manner, there is no guarantee that they will be treated in a respectful manner, or that they will be safe.  That is a lot of stress to deal with, as a parent and as a young black male, especially when you know that it can occur on any day that your son walks of his home.  

What’s in a Name?

Hmmn… “What’s in a Name?” that is the title of a famous soliloquy from Romeo and Juliet.  But, I often ask the same question.  When I was in my 20’s, I wanted to get rid of my last name, because it reminded me of my father and his family.  I didn't hate my father’s family.  But, I didn't know them and growing up, they never tried to get to know me.  I grew up as an only child, and like most only children, I would have loved to have cousins or other relatives to play with.  But, let’s go to the heart of the issue, let’s get it out, and get over it.  My father was abusive and he came from an abusive family.  He abandoned me when I was a baby and returned into my life when I was 12.  Nothing dramatic, he just called my mother one night, just out of the blue.  “Hey, this is Lee Massey, your ex-husband, how are you?  How is my daughter?  “ Who the hell does that?  Well, anyway, my mother never told me how my father really was.  She had provided me a fantasy, or ideal dad.  I always imagined that my father was somewhere, and he wanted to contact me, but he couldn't.  It didn't occur to me that he just didn't want to, and he always knew where I lived, although my mother never knew where he lived, and therefore had trouble collecting child support. Well, anyway, my mother reunited with my father, and I got to know the real Lee Massey and what our family was really like.  My father never hit me, but that was because my mother intervened and she took the hit that I was supposed to get.  That has always made me feel uncomfortable.  Later on, I learned that my father was abusive to his first wife and so were some of his siblings.  In fact, that was how they were taught to keep a woman in line.  But, the name doesn't only mean abuse to me, it means denial.  My cousins talk about my father like he was this wonderful man, in fact they talk those who had abusive parents either talk about them the same way or don’t talk about them at all.  No one admits anything that happened in the past.  They just pretend that it never happened.  Maybe that is what Massey means in English – abuse and denial.  My goal has always been that it means transcend.

#deadbeatdad
#abuse

Being Nineteen

This has been a really controversial and trying year. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the present and the past. The Michael Brown incident occurred almost right after the verdict of the 19 year old who was shot in Detroit area (Dearborn) was decided. It reminded me about when I was 19. The first car that I bought broke down in Oak Park in a neighborhood that was filled with Senior Citizens. I remember sitting in my car in the afternoon, most people didn't have cell phones back then, and I had to get out of my car and knock on doors, so that I could call AAA. I was not very successful, and finally an older man answered his door, and I explained that my car had broken down and I needed to call AAA. He offered to let me use his cordless phone on his porch. And, he stood behind the screen looking around, a l little scared. I called AAA, and he told me that I could wait on his porch in the shade. I sat on the porch and waited. A few minutes later, he told me that a woman had been there a few days ago and she claimed that her car had broken down, and when his wife let her in the house, there were two men right behind her, and they attacked and robbed his wife in broad daylight. She was still in the hospital. I remember that as 19, I looked shocked. You just don't think about these things until they occur. He was not going to answer the door, but he noticed that no one was going to let me in. They were all afraid, and who could blame them. We sat and drank lemonade until the Tow Truck came. I thanked him and I wished him and his wife well. I don't have any lessons learned or great statements to make; I just wanted to share my story.