How do they do it?

Well, I ride the bus to work every day to save money and of course I meet some interesting people.  One day, I met a guy on his way to the Capital. He had worked for there before as an Intern, and now he was returning to the Capital to apply for an Aide position.  I wished him luck.  Well, a few weeks later, I saw him on the bus again.  He had gotten the job.  We would chat as on the way to work from time to time when we saw each other.  Anyway, one day he I saw him as I was leaving my job.  He said hello and gave me a big hug.  Then, he asked me if he could borrow $100.  I know that I had a look of shock on my face, because I barely knew this man.  He barely knew me.  Yet, he had no problem asking me for $100.  I told him no, I didn't have it.  He said that he was asking because he had just gotten his apartment, his groceries and his bus pass for the month and he needed $100 to hold on to, just for other expenses.  I still didn't have the money. 

As I went home, I thought to myself, how he could just ask me.  I could never ask someone for money like that.  And I do need money for groceries and bus passes and other necessities.  Last year, when I lost my job and I had no source of income, I announced on Facebook that I lost my job, but I didn't ask anyone for money.  Also, I didn't tell anyone that I didn't have any source of income.  And, when I did ask some people for help, they were people that I knew and I had helped in the past or my relatives.  When I lost my apartment, I went to those same people.  In fact, I didn't tell many people that I lost my apartment.  I only told my family and a small group of friends.  And when I told a small group of friends on Facebook, one of my friends embarrassed me by stating publicly not to ask her for money.  I was already embarrassed and scared, but these were people that I had known but hadn't seen in years.  I was close to some of them, but not that close.  Stating what had happened to me was hard enough.  And, all the comment did was make me want to go hide under a rock.  Asking for money didn't even cross my mind, I was just devastated about my situation and I needed to tell someone.  Telling me not to ask for money just guaranteed that I wasn't telling any more people about my situation, much less asking for money, unless I had to do it.  I grew up hearing the song God Bless the Child, so not being able to take care of myself was humiliating.  I have usually been independent as an adult, and even though there have been a lot of victims of this bad economy, I still feel ashamed.  Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to feel no shame…

Timing is Everything...

My title is a popular phrase, but it is so true.  It applies to everything from art to business.  I think that it is so important, because more often we experience bad timing or so-so timing as opposed to great timing (Striking while the iron is hot!).  What I have noticed is that, great timing can occur or may occur when you are aware of your fears, but they don’t control you.  Currently, I am and have been experiencing poor timing.  I have not only let fear control my decisions, but, I let it immobilize me and place me in situations that I never thought that I would experience.  My biggest fear is that I will not get out of the situation that I am in and I will miss out on the rest of my life.  I look back and notice how much fear has taken away from me.  Mostly, I have experienced fear of failure, and in turn, I have done just that.  I say that I am missing out on life, because right now, I just exist, work and write.  That is it. 

Primarily, I write, because I seem to have nothing else left.  And, for some reason, I have decided to write about all of the thoughts that go through my head.  So, I write instead of just sitting in a corner meditating or thinking.  The funny part about this is I always wanted to write.  When I was a kid, I dreamed of writing the great American novel, even though I never thought of myself as a writer.  I was going to do it as one of my side hobbies.  I didn't write the Great American novel, but I did write a book at 22.  I was still at Michigan State University.  The book consisted of my experiences and observations that I had in college.  I remember feeling inspired, and writing for days.  After I had completed writing and editing my draft, I submitted my manuscript.  I think that I sent it to one or two places, and it was rejected (of course).  I wasn't prepared for rejection, and as a writer, you have to be prepared for a lot of rejection.  I also told my counselor at school about it.  He thought that the story was interesting, but he thought that I was too you to write a book that could be controversial.  He suggested that I keep the manuscript, and look at writing a book later on; after all, I was young.  I followed his instructions and I put it down, it was almost 20 years until I looked at it again.  When I looked at it again, I don’t even think that I recognized the person who wrote that book.  The person who wrote that book, never thought about what they could or couldn't do, they would just move forward.  I was always confident about my writing, well actually about my ability to communicate in general.  When it came to writing about topics and of course humor, I had great timing.  I had some fear as well, but it didn’t control me.  I know that part of it is that I am older, but there are still so many things that I could do if I re-calibrated my fear, and started allowing myself to have great timing.

Recession Definition

Since it was Columbus Day, I was watching The View.  Russell Brand was a guest on the show and he was talking about his book "Revolution".   He was discussing the age old topics of Economics and Change.  He mentioned how those in power aren't really interested in change, because they like things running the way that they are.  These statements have caused controversy.  I may not agree with everything that he says but I know that he was right.  I used to work with a woman who was also a Technical Writer and she used to have affirmations written on Post-it Notes on and around her desk.  I saw nothing wrong with that, but I did have a problem with some of the things that she had written on them.  One of the affirmations stated “A Recession is just a financial correction of money moving from the poor to the wealthy.”

When I saw this affirmation, and I thought about all the people that struggled through this economy, I felt angry and disturbed.  However, if you knew the woman, you would not be surprised.  She was a Psychologist who became a Technical Writer, and later the manager of the Technical Writing Department.  She was excellent at using her background to manipulate her staff and her management.  And, although she did not make a six figure salary, she managed to make well into the six figures through overtime.  Even though she had a staff, she made should that she had a certain amount of overtime each year.  She also tried to make a habit out of only hiring people who she felt were not capable of improving her department, because that might make less hours for her.  I was hired by her manager against her wishes and our relationship was difficult.  I was not easily manipulated and I was able to complete and even improve a lot of the work that she performed.

I learned a lot from this difficult experience, but what I learned a lot about greed and people who have a sense of entitlement.  I also learned how much people will keep the status quo in an up close and personal way.  

Stereotypes, Knowledge and Feelings

For the past couple of weeks, my brother and I have not been speaking to each other.  I am sad about our argument, although right now, I can not fix what he thinks is wrong.  And, I may never be able to fix it.  I miss him.  However, what I don’t miss are the condescending remarks made about me or others based on stereotypes.  I am my brother’s half sister.  I grew up in Detroit, while my half siblings grew up in San Diego, California.  My brother is a truck driver and he makes regular deliveries to Detroit.  So, he only sees one portion of the city, and to him that is Detroit.  He has always made comments, like, “I don’t want to upset you, because you may cut me.  You are from Detroit, don’t you carry a switchblade?” or “Why would you feel uncomfortable growing up in a bad neighborhood, you grew up in Detroit?”  Also, as a Black woman, I am always trying to take advantage or lie about something.  Because, that is what Black women do.  All of these jokes or statements come from stereotypes instead of from our 15 year relationship. 

I was watching Oprah yesterday and the author of “Eat, Pray, Love”, Elizabeth Gilbert was being interviewed.  The author talked about taking the path of answering your calling and how when you decided to do that, you must realize that this is not an easy path.  She said that the path was going to be difficult and there were going to be lessons that needed to be learned throughout the journey.  One of the things that I have to accept is that no matter how long my brother or any person who relies on stereotypes knows me, they will always rely on the stereotype first.  They are never going to do the work of accepting me or anyone else as an individual.  They are always going to rely on their race or gender first.

The only reason that I discuss this is because it conflicts wit my upbringing.  Yes, I was exposed to stereotypes, but using them in any way was seriously frowned upon in our home.  A nice way to say it was that using stereotypes was a lazy person’s way of categorizing people and their behavior.  However, my mother was not nice; she said that using stereotypes was what common, low class and ignorant people did.  And, that most of the time, they didn't understand how what they were doing was wrong.  She would say, “You are a Leonard.  When you step out of this door, you represent our family.  You come from a good family and we don’t do that.”

What she didn’t tell me was that instead of stereotypes being something common people used, it was something that people used commonly.  And I never thought that it would be one of the things that caused a division between my mother’s side and my father’s side of the family.  

Being a Trouper...

A few weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my mother and we were discussing some issues and she stated “You know Cara; you have always been a trouper.”  I know it was a compliment, but you know what sometimes being a trouper sucks.  It sucks monkey butt.  Some characteristics all seem to go together, you are a trouper, you are strong and/or you are a dependable.  All of these are good qualities, but no one is perfect, and sometimes people who are like that show weakness, need support or make mistakes.  If you have the reputation as a trouper and you falter, everyone is disappointed, because that is not you.  But the problem is everyone falters or has a moment of weakness at some time of their life, even the dependable ones.  Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on, or someone to cheer them up, however when you are the strong person, people that you expect to be around to help you aren't available.  The best way to describe it was when my grandmother passed.  My mother kind of just checked out from reality.  Someone had to be responsible, and keep it together.  And, I did.  But, I really wanted a shoulder to cry on as well.  No one was there.  It was a very lonely position.  Strong people need support too, because being the one who is always supportive needs support as well.   

Why I Started Writing Again

The past couple of years in my life have been crazy.  There has been a serious upheaval in my life.  These changes have caused me to question things and they have also caused old issues and discussions to resurface.  As a writer you sometimes question yourself, at least I do.  I wonder if I really have anything worth saying.  And, if I do, I wonder if anyone is listening or cares.  So, most of my writing is limited on statuses or opinions on Facebook, which isn't really writing.  Well, I got my answer, not the way I wanted it, but I got it. 

Last week, my mother and I got into an argument, well really she yelled at me and I listened.  Here is how it started....

A few months ago, I wrote a Facebook comment about Congressman’s Keith Ellison’s book. In the book, he discussed the power of cliques in Detroit, and that to fulfill his potential; he had to leave Detroit, because certain opportunities were limited, because he did not belong to the right cliques.  I stated that I had experienced the same thing and had decided to move as well.  Well, my mother read that comment and even though a few months had passed, the comment stuck with her.  She told me that she was infuriated that I wrote it.  Through her eyes, making that comment meant that they (cliques) had won, and I had publicly admitted defeat.  However, in my eyes, they lost, because I took my skills and talent with me.  They missed out.   But anyway, she stated how it irritated her; just like that essay I wrote my freshman year in college her had irritated her.  Yes, she mentioned an essay that I wrote that essay almost 30 years ago.  I remember it, because I was proud of it.  It was the first “A” that I got in my English class.  The assignment was to write a comedic essay, and I wrote about adjusting to attending a coed university after attending an all girls’ school.   And then she yelled all of my self doubts out loud, “Why do you have to write?   Why don’t you just keep your thoughts to yourself?   Why do you think someone cares about what you have to say?  Who are you?” 

You would think that would have discouraged me, but as she was saying it, it was like I left myself and I was looking at the discussion as an outsider.  What I realized was that if it didn't matter, she wouldn't care and she wouldn't remember.  Expression of thought doesn't always please everyone.  Sometimes it isn't meant to please.  Usually, a person who writes just wants to make a connection with themselves and/or other people.  That connection can create understanding, be thought inspiring, invoke empathy or even anger, but it is about making a connection.   And, I made a connection, not the one I wanted, but a connection nonetheless.

The Great River of ... Denial

My former manager is very upset about the whole Ray Rice situation.   He posted his opinion on Facebook.  Like many, he blames the media and feels that the Media and the NFL were unfair.  He feels that Rice should not have to pay this much for one mistake.  I didn't understand is my boss assumed that this was the first incident.  So, I responded to his post.   I mentioned that this was probably the first incident we (the public) knew about.  Also, I mentioned that abusers usually show signs earlier signs of who they are, and the abuse usually starts with smaller incidents.  Maybe the first time was a slap, or a shake, or maybe it was verbal and then the abuse graduates to something more.  I don’t know if that is what happened, but I don’t know if that isn't what happened.  The other disturbing part of the tape was the fact that he touched her with his foot to see if she was dead.  First, if you hit someone for the very first time out of anger and you knocked them unconscious, you would be shocked and maybe worried.  You wouldn't touch her with your foot to see if she was dead and then drag her out of the elevator like she was a piece a meat.  I don’t care how loving they appear to be in public in the past or in the future, his immediate treatment to her in after she became unconscious was inhumane.  I also stated that he needs help and she needs help as well.  Well, I felt the wrath of his anger in my response.  In his reply, he mentioned that he was upset that I called Rice and abuser.  He replied, “ You are not abuser just because you make one mistake!!”  My response was, “You are.” and I stated that maybe because you have not been apart of or witnessed an abusive relationship, you don’t understand the signs.   He did not respond back to me on his post, instead he texted me on FB and said that he had witnessed domestic violence, but he would never post that publicly on Facebook.  And, there it is… Domestic violence is always the dirty little secret that everyone wants to keep a secret.   And people always want to give others the benefit of the doubt, no matter what they see.  I wanted to yell at him and say, “Do you know why it is a secret?!!  Because, it is embarrassing if you are the victim, the public perceives you as weak and/or stupid!!  And, you may perceive yourself the same way!!!  If you are an abuser, you are some evil Cro-Magnon type person who is only able to express his/her frustration or anger through abuse!!  Therefore, both parties are ashamed.  It is a Lose-Lose situation. And usually both parties do whatever they can to hide it.” But, I didn't, I just said that most people want to keep things like that quiet.  He agreed and said that he believes that it was just a one time event that occurred because they were drinking.  And, if they hadn't been intoxicated, it would not have ever happened.   The denial river is very vast, isn't it.